War
by soavezefiretto
Summary: AU in which Anna Sheridan is living with John on Babylon 5 during the Shadow War. Chapter 3: John just left for Z'Ha'Dum. Anna confronts Delenn. Please r&r.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I didn't invent Babylon 5 or any of it's characters.  
  
Summary: AU in which Anna Sheridan is alive and living with John on the station during the war with the shadows. Focuses on their relationship. Delenn will come into the story eventually. And probably John will go to Z'Ha'Dum and die. Other than that, I have no idea.  
  
A/N: This is very much a work in progress. Any comment, suggestion, constructive criticism would be welcome and highly appreciated. Non-constructive criticism will not be appreciated in quite the same manner, but send it along anyway.  
  
English is not my native language.  
  
War

by

Miranda2  
  
Chapter 1  
  
"So, what have you been doing today?"  
  
She hated the way he said that.  
  
It sounded condescending, and it was getting harder to convince herself that he didn't mean it that way. But of course he didn't. They hadn't seen each other all day, and he just wanted to have a conversation. They used to be interested in everything the other did, take delight in it, accept the other's big and small adventures as a gift.  
  
Other times. When being apart was only a joyous prelude of being together. When...  
  
"Anna?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
He looked up from the report he was reading.  
  
"Uhm, doing? Well, nothing much. I worked a while on my thesis, but it's hard to get anywhere without the resources back home."  
  
He ducked almost imperceptibly, as if dodging an invisible punch. That last remark had made him feel guilty, although she hadn't meant to. She sighed. It seemed the amount of things they said but "didn't mean that way" was increasing exponentially. Making an effort to change the subject, she smiled and said:  
"I had lunch with Lennier down at the Zocalo."  
  
"Really? Lennier? How come?" His head was already bending towards the report again.  
  
"Well, why not? He was at the Zocalo, he was all alone, and he's- he's nice to talk to!"  
  
What was it that made her so defensive around him lately?  
  
"Sure he is. It's just that Lennier is not the first person I would think of to have lunch with."  
  
(No, you wouldn't. I know who would be the first person. And I know who would be the last.)  
  
Something in the quality of her silence made him look up again. With weary dismay, but not with surprise, he noticed the tears swimming in her eyes. She turned her head, pretending to brush a speck of dust from her sleeve, and when she looked at him again, sure enough, the tears were gone. They never touched her cheek, but he had seen them, and she knew he had.  
  
"Well, it was interesting, anyway. We're going to meet again tomorrow."  
  
She bit her lip, refraining from adding something like 'it's not like there are a lot of interesting things to do for me around here anymore.' John had not started the war with the Shadows, he had not put Clark in office- he had only acted as his conscience dictated under adverse circumstances. He talked with her about his decisions, and she had encouraged him all along. What could she have done? Say: no, John, I don't think it's a good idea to be independent from earth because my research is going to be compromised? No, I don't think you should get involved with the rangers or the war with the Shadows because that will make it really hard for me to find any interesting assignments in my field? Because I'm afraid that if you do, I'll lose you, I'm afraid I'm losing you already?  
  
"That's good."  
  
Absorbed again by strategies, figures, speculations, negotiations. She turned away to fix herself a cup of tea and get ready to go to bed. There would be no more tears tonight, and when he joined her, hours later, for three, four hours of rest, she would be asleep.  
  
But as she moved toward the sliding door to the bedroom, she felt his hand on her shoulder, heard his voice say her name, low, intense.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"About what?"  
  
"Everything. That you have to have lunch with Lennier, instead of with me. That you can't work, do research. That you're isolated from your family, your friends. That you're stuck here, with me..."  
  
Anna wheeled around, John's hand slipped from her shoulder.  
  
"What do you mean, 'stuck with you'? Isn't that what marriage is about? Isn't that what we signed up for?"  
  
He lowered his eyes, then looked straight at her.  
  
"No, I don't think this is what you signed up for."  
  
"Well, that's the beauty of it, isn't it? You never know exactly what you're signing up for."  
  
Before he could open his mouth, she spoke again:  
  
"Look, I'm all right. I'm just tense, we all are, aren't we? I didn't mean to accuse you of anything when I said that about my research. That's just the way it is, and I'm fine with it. And it was interesting to talk to Lennier, it really was, and I'm looking forward to meeting him tomorrow."  
  
She put her hands on his shoulders and hoped her smile and expression were as reassuring as she needed them to be.  
  
"You just concentrate on winning this war, and then we can start over. Ok?"  
  
He nodded. She kissed him quickly and closed the sliding doors behind her.  
  
John sat down at the table again, took up the report he had been reading. After a minute, he put it down and covered his eyes with his hands.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I didn't invent Babylon 5 or any of it's characters. 

Summary: AU in which Anna Sheridan is alive and living with John on the station during the war with the shadows. In this chapter, Morden is the one that takes Sheridan to Z'Ha'Dum.

A/N: As always comments, suggestions, constructive criticism are more than welcome. Non-constructive criticism too, what the hell. I love reviews.

Special thanks to solitarysummer for much inspiration, insight, support and general coolness.

English is not my native language.

Chapter 2

The warroom teemed with activity.

Although it was 04.00 station-time, all the lights were on, the consoles active, people were standing in front of them, alone or in groups, or were walking busily across the room. As soon as John stepped through the door, someone handed him a report, someone else said some permit had to be signed ASAP, it was on his desk in his office, along with some more reports, and since he was in already, would he care to take a look at these readings over here?

As distracted as he was, John still took a second or two to feel a measure of pride. These were his people, and he had no doubt whatsoever that they were the best there was. What he saw was a controlled, focused, intense activity, professionals doing their job, concentrating their efforts towards a common goal, a smoothly working team. He allowed himself half a smile nobody else saw. Yes, Ivanova, Garibaldi, Stephen, they would be able to rely on them, if something should happen-

If something should happen to him.

Now why would he think something like that?

Delenn was standing alone at the other end of the room. She turned, and as soon as he saw her face, he knew why he was having those thoughts.

In a few steps he was standing beside her.

"Delenn, what's wrong?"

"I- I just sent Ivanova for you, haven't you seen her?"

"No. No, we must have crossed each other, I was on my way here. What's the matter, what happened?"

Her eyes never leaving his face, Delenn said softly, so no one else would hear:

"Mr. Morden is here."

"Morden!"

Out of a reflex, John looked around, as if expecting to see Morden's smug, odious smile flashing at him from behind a bulkhead.

"Where is he?"

"Ivanova put him in the brig. We haven't told anyone else, only Garibaldi and Zack know, and a few Narn guards they trust."

"Did he say what he wanted?"

"Yes."

When she didn't continue, he urged her on:

"What?"

Now, for the first time, Delenn looked away, and a thin tissue of cold cold ice fell slowly on John's heart. He could almost hear it crackle as it settled down.

Delenn looked up again, and she didn't even try to hide her tears. Her voice was firm.

"He wants to talk only to you. He says he brings- an offer."

"An offer."

"John..."

"He wants me to go to Z'Ha'Dum with him, doesn't he?"

Delenn nodded. John breathed deeply, but before he could say anything, Delenn had started to talk again, her voice an urgent whisper. The first heads were beginning to turn in their direction, their attention caught by the intensity of the conversation.

"Don't go, John. Don't talk to him. You can not go to Z'Ha'Dum! No one who goes there comes back alive. Or if they do, they are changed in ways that are more horrible than death. We need you here now! John, do you hear?"

"Yes, I hear you, Delenn." His voice was distracted, almost absent.

"John?"

"You have already said that to me once."

"Said what?"

"Not to go to Z'Ha'Dum."

"I- I don't understand..."

Now he was the one with an urgent edge to his voice.

"When I had that- vision, that experience of being in the future, whatever it was that happened when we were trying to get Babylon 4 to the past and my time-stabilizer malfunctioned, do you remember? I told you about it, we were prisoners on Centauri Prime, and Londo was the emperor, claiming it was our, my fault that his world lay in ruins."

"Yes, you said we were about to escape when you were pulled back. But what-?"

"Listen, there are... a few things I never told you. I- I didn't think they were important... or I did, but I didn't know what to do about them..."

She just looked at him. She knew nothing of the kiss they had shared because for her, it had never happened, maybe it would never happen. And yet, it would, it had to happen, it was the future he had seen, and they were married, they had a son... It was a dream, a dream he wanted very badly to come true, a dream that had kept him sane as everything around him and inside him seemed to fall apart in chaos and madness. And with the decision he was about to make, he was in very likely making it all disappear forever.

"The last thing you said to me, just as I was being pulled away, was- you said I should enjoy the happy moments in my life, because they would never come again, and you said... You said, 'don't go to Z'Ha'Dum, John. Whatever you do, don't go to Z'Ha'Dum, do you hear?' Just like you did right now. Don't you understand, Delenn? What if I listened to you, what if I followed your advice and that, that was what made that future happen? The destruction of Centauri Prime, Londo's keeper-creature?"

"But you have no way of knowing that! What if it happened because you did go, what if I knew that and that was why I told you not to go there? John, please..."

John straightened, then put his hands gently on Delenn's arms.

"I know you know what to do if I don't come back. You can trust Ivanova and the others. Whatever happens, this war has to end, one way or the other."

"But it's a trap, can't you see that?" Her voice was on the brink of despair now.

"Yes, I know it's almost certainly a trap. I still have to go, and you know that as well as I do. Perhaps even better. Don't you?"

She bowed her head in defeat. John leaned towards her, lifted her chin with his hand.

"If I come back, I will come back to you."

Then they kissed, trying to but into that one kiss all the buried and denied feelings, all the truth, all their hopes for the future, all of their souls. No one kiss can hold what John and Delenn needed to share with each other at that moment, but they did their best. They did their best.

A discreet cough at his back made John turn his head. Ivanova was standing there, clearly conflicted about where to look. Finally, she opted for straight forward into his eyes, as usual.

"Sorry, Sir. I've been looking for you, there's something rather urgent-"

"Yes, I know, Commander. I'm on my way."

He turned to look once more at Delenn, then left the room with Ivanova. Delenn returned to the same position she had been in when he came in, her back turned to the room.

"I haven't seen anything, Sir. And I'll make sure no one in that room hasn't, either."

"Oh? And just how are you going to explain twenty people suddenly and mysteriously struck by blindness?"

Ivanova stopped and looked at Sheridan, confused.

"I- Sir, I just thought I would..."

He smiled, and something she saw in his eyes made Susan shiver. Something like ice. Or death. But it was just a fleeting moment, and after that, his smile was genuine and comforting.

"I understand, Commander. You wanted to protect me. But I don't need you to do that. I'll deal with this in my own way. Ok?"

"Ok. It's your call, John."

"That it most certainly is."

In front of the cell Morden was being held, Sheridan turned toward Ivanova.

"Is Garibaldi in there?"

"No, do you want him?"

"Yes, tell him to meet me here, I'll need him to get a few things ready for me. Tell him personally, I don't want any of this discussed on link. You can leave, thank you" this to the two Narn guards standing to both sides of the door.

When the guards had left, Sheridan began to punch in the security code to the cell, and turned to Ivanova.

"Don't you have to be somewhere?"

"You don't mean you want to go in there alone?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I mean."

"No way, John! That guy is dangerous, he comes straight from the Shadows, for God's sake! I'm not gonna let you...!"

"Yes you are. That's an order, and I am not going to repeat it."

There it was again. The ice. Ivanova turned to leave, but Sheridan called her back.

"Susan! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shout at you like that. I just need to do this- alone. Trust me, will you?"

"Just take care of yourself John. And watch your back."

"Always. And, Susan?"

He stepped towards her, as if to whisper something in her ear, and then did something he had never done before: he kissed her cheek. Then he finished punching the security code and disappeared into the dark cell.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I didn't invent Babylon 5 or any of it's characters. It's all God's- err, jms' work, and we are duly thankful.

Summary: AU in which Anna Sheridan is alive and living with John on the station during the war with the Shadows. Chapter 3, in which John just left for Z'Ha'Dum and Anna confronts Delenn.

A/N: As always comments, suggestions, constructive criticism are more than welcome. Non-constructive criticism too, what the hell. I love reviews.

This is still for solitarysummer, and for A., aka fiddleronaroof, who knows nothing about Babylon 5, but everything about inspiration.

English is not my native language.

Chapter 3

A single candle was burning. The rest of the room was silent and dark, the only sound Delenn's breathing. She tried to keep it calm and measured as was required during prayer, as was necessary to enter a state of meditation, as was imperative to keep her soul from falling apart from the inside out. But the flame seemed to know more about her wishes than Delenn herself, and it flickered and danced wildly. A tear fell into it and it made a hissing sound, but didn't go out.

Delenn got up. She needed some water. Halfway to the kitchenette she stopped. How long she stood there, in the middle of the room, seconds or hours, she couldn't tell. Perhaps, she thought, she was having success, for she was trying very hard to make time stand still.

With the sound of the doorchime, the pain came rushing into her body and mind again, or enough consciousness to acknowledge a pain that had never left, that never would leave. Its intensity made her gasp, and she nearly fell over.

Again, again, with rising urgency.

"Yes?"

As soon as the door began to crack open, a slender figure slipped into the room, then straightened and looked around, disoriented by the semi-darkness and shadows thrown on the walls by the candle.

"Anna."

Anna spun around to face Delenn. She was barefoot and wearing a dressing gown. Her face was flushed and streaked with tears.

"You let him go!" She was screaming, unable to control her voice, shaking with fury. "You let him go, you sent him away! He's leaving because of you, you bitch! What did you do to him, what did you say?"

She had grabbed Delenn's shoulders and was shaking her. When she didn't answer, Anna raised her hand and struck Delenn across the face. Delenn's head bounced back, but she immediately raised it to look at Anna again. She had not uttered a sound.

Anna had fallen back a couple of steps, her hands covering her mouth, horrified at what she had done. At last, she whispered:

"It's not two minutes since I talked to him. I was sleeping, he came to say goodbye. He's not gone yet, he must be in the shuttle bay now, there's still time! Talk to him, he will listen to you."

"I cannot do that." Delenn's voice sounded curiously flat, as if she was speaking through a comm-link, not standing in the same room with Anna.

"Why not?" Now the scream was only in Anna's eyes, and as Delenn looked into them, a sound from the past came to her. She heard her own voice, grinding at a high pitch, like some horrible machine made for cutting living flesh, and then she saw her own body, shaking with animal fury, her own distorted face: "No mercy! No mercy!"

No mercy.

"He must do what he must do. He knows that."

"Don't- don't speak in riddles to me, Delenn! John might have fallen for it, I'm sure he thinks it's cute and mysterious and hell knows what else, but I don't! You know what I think? I think you are full of bullshit! I don't know if you had a vision, read tea-leaves or found a prophecy in an old shoe-box, I don't know what you told him to make him believe he had to go with that slimy Morden and take on the entire Shadow homeworld on his own, but if you love him, you'll contact C&C right now and tell them to pull back his shuttle, send in the starfuries after him, the whole fucking White Star fleet, I don't care."

Delenn didn't answer. Anna stepped toward her, ready to strike her again, punch her, kick her out of the room. But she stopped, just a few centimetres away from the other woman's body. For a second, they both stood perfectly still and looked at each other. To an outside observer, they might have looked like friends or lovers who where about to embrace, maybe to say goodbye before a long voyage.

"Well? You do love him, don't you? Don't you?"

"Yes, I do."

Anna wavered on her feet, but plunged on.

"So? Do you want him to die?"

"No."

"Then get your ass to that console and contact C&C! Now!"

"Anna... I am so sorry. I..." Delenn's voice was dwindling, she sounded as if she were falling into a pit somewhere on the other end of Babylon 5. Even though she was standing close enough to feel her breath on her own skin, Anna could barely hear her. Instinctively, she leaned in closer. That was when she felt Delenn's hand on her face. She shook her head violently and jumped back, covering her cheek with one hand, staring at Delenn.

"Don't. You. EVER. Touch. Me. Again."

Oh, but you are all I have left of him, Delenn wanted to scream, to whimper. She wanted to fall on her knees and beg, please let me touch you, please tell me, did he touch you when he said goodbye? Did he touch this hand, and may I kiss it? Did he touch this face that he loves? Did a tear fall on your breast, oh, please...

For a moment, Delenn's figure, standing in front of Anna, only illuminated by the light of the vanishing candle, got blurry at the edges, as if she had started to move very fast, too fast for a human eye to perceive. During that moment, Anna was sure that Delenn was about to leave, that she would take a sideways step and just move into another reality. She was prepared to see another person disappear in front of her eyes and accept it with perfect equanimity. In a way, she was even looking forward to it, because maybe then she would see it too, whatever it was that had filled John's eyes with distance and a wonder he couldn't or wouldn't share whith her. Maybe then she would understand...

Of course, that was only for a moment. A fraction of a moment. And it was not real. Of course not.

Anna blinked once, twice, and Delenn was still standing in front of her, pale, but steady on her feet. A darkness lingered over her, a hopelessness too deep to fathom. All Anna wanted to do then was run away.

"Damn you. Damn you to hell." The words fell out of Anna's mouth like limp, wet things. She turned, walked to the door and left, not once looking back.

Delenn slowly walked to the door that had just closed behind the wife of the man she loved. She leaned her forhead on the cold, cool metal and said one word. As if afraid by it, the flame of the candle suddenly ceased to exist.

"Hell." 


End file.
